Being a mommy is hard. Being a mommy of a child with sensory needs or mental health challenges can make it harder AND it can be one of the most transformative journeys that you can take in life. Growing up I always knew that I was different. I didn't like it when my food would touch so I would quickly separate them while taking a paper towel (no judgement please!) to absorb all of the rogue juices that refused to bend to my organizational will. I remember anxiously trying to avoid sitting on benches and chairs that had stains on them out of fear that somehow a 10 year old marker stain, now forever infused into the fabric of my grandfather's church pew, would somehow leap onto my pants ruining them forever. I remember counting the tiles on the ceiling while bored in class in an attempt to calm my racing thoughts about what surprises my next class would bring. There were many times that I didn't have the words to express how I felt nor did my parents have the tools or language to communicate how they felt raising me and my siblings who each had their own quirks as most kids do. What I didn't know then was that I was not broken, weird, or other. Instead, I was a creative mind with thoughts and an imagination that sometimes, created stories and circumstances in my mind that shaped the way I navigated in the world for better or for worse.
As parents, we are given the golden opportunity to not only see our selves in someone else, but to hopefully find closure and understanding in the moments that shaped our childhood. Unfortunately, there is no rule book or instruction manual to parenting and even if there was, each of our children are so beautifully different, that it would require thousands and possibly millions of ever changing editions of advice that may only add more chaos to our lives. Sometimes after all of my children have gone to bed, I still stare up at the ceiling seeking to calm my racing thoughts. The difference is this time it isn't because of an upcoming test, class, or rogue stain lurking in a corner somewhere, instead it's about whether or not I showed up for my kids in the right way. Did I prepare and plan enough for tomorrow? Was I a good wife today? Or perhaps my absolute favorite, what should I do with the dozens of emails that are still unanswered in my mailbox?
In these moments when I struggle to find balance or the strength to refocus, I have used a few coping techniques that have been helpful.
Check In
Breathe Deep
Tap Out
Check In
In many situations my anxious thoughts are valid and understandable and yet finding the source of the problem is usually a challenge. Is it a worry that I may have manufactured or is it something that comes from an external space that is causing my mind to react in this way? As a self proclaimed extroverted introvert I find that I am able to "people" in small bursts but often need to retreat to my quiet place to recharge. It's in these moments that I check in with myself. I pay attention to what I am wearing and listen to my breathing. I may focus on the pictures on the wall or examine the bounciness, or lack there of, of the chair that I choose to sit in. Grounding myself in my right now helps me to let go of my yesterday and my tomorrow even if it's just for a moment. As fleeting as the present may seem to be, we have to always remember that is where we always are so we need to take care of the space where we spend the most time.
Breathe Deep
While grounding in the present, it is important to give your breath a job. Now before you start handing out 1099s and onboarding paperwork, what I really mean is to intentionally focus your breathing on a direction, on a thing, or on a moment so that each time you breathe it is focused somewhere. I know, it may sound silly but putting an intention on each breath can not only help your mind find a new target but it can also help your body maximize the oxygen that you are breathing in the most effective way. Focusing on your breathing may seem simple however when you are in the throws of sensory overload, paying attention to the pace and the intake of your breath can make a big difference in how well you cope in your moment of crisis.
Tap Out
In any family or friend circle there may be times where attending a group function or event feels urgent and mandatory however, knowing your limits and setting boundaries on your time is an invaluable tool in self-care. Growing up, there were many times that I operated as your friendly neighborhood people pleaser who was unable to say no out of fear of making someone uncomfortable or upset. What I quickly realized was that I may have filled their cup doing so but mine was quickly running dry. After numerous experiences with burnout and overstimulation (and lots of therapy!) I realized that boundaries are not a bad thing. Instead they are one of the highest forms of love and respect that you can participate in. It's ok to "tap out" and step away if you need to recharge and refill your cup, even at the risk of missing out on an engagement, so that you can show up healthy and present in other spaces.
Liz is an active duty military spouse and mom with over 15 years of experience in educational equity, training, development, & crisis management. She has a B.A. in Sociology & Psychology from LSU, and a M.S. in Leadership from GCU. She has served as Vice President of Communications and as the Diversity Equity and Inclusion chair for Junior League Baltimore, and is the founder of Simple Little Publishings.
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